How Can I Be a Good Friend?

Dear Phire,

I have a dilemma. My dearest friend has recently gotten out of treatment and is working toward recovery. She has made some decisions that I am not feeling very comfortable with and she started seeing someone that is horrible for her recovery. Her priorities seem screwed up and I don't know what to do. A few years ago, I told her to "focus on herself," and she stopped speaking to me. She started talking to me again and it's important to me to be there for her, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Should I tell her how I feel, or should I let her learn it on her own?

Sincerely,

Concerned and Confused.

Dear Concerned and Confused,

What you are experiencing is a common issue. All too often we have family members, friends, co-workers, and people that are part of our lives that we want to help make better decisions. However, we are always reminded that these people are adults and have the right to live their own lives.

With that said, it doesn't mean that we can't offer them solid support when necessary. It just means that they can choose to take advice or they can leave it. Because you have invested the time and energy into having a supportive relationship with your friend, it is not coming out of nowhere if you offer words of encouragement. Even better, showing her what "focusing on herself" is.

So often we use words and phrases that sound great, but in practice, we don't really know what that means or looks like for another person, and they don't know themselves. While I was re-building my life after a hard restart, I kept hearing those precious words "love yourself" and "focus on you." The problem with powerful words or phrases like this is, I had never been able to define them in my life, so they are meaningless? I had too many people in my life that were supposed to be my "support system" that took advantage and made me feel negatively if I focused too much time on my needs. When I finally was able to focus on what I needed, those close to me became hostile and mean. Ultimately, "Loving myself" meant losing my support system, and for many people, they may not be ready to accept that consequence, or even acknowledge that as a consequence.

Self-love means loving yourself enough to protect your peace however you see it necessary. For me, some of the people closest to me, were the cause of my unrest and loss of peace. For many people this may mean that for a period of time they may have to place their attention on recognizing when they are feeling internally bothered or experiencing chronic feelings of unrest due to the people around them. Building self-awareness is a large part of self-love, it also means being willing to place boundaries around protecting your life, and for people that may not be very supportive, it may mean difference between having a close friend or family member in your life, or having no one. Many times addiction is built around co-dependency, which is often seen in the need to maintain relationships that keep us feeling "euphoric," even if the euphoria is followed by a destructive and painful low.

As you have mentioned, your friend may need to learn how to take care of herself and set boundaries with others to do so, including family members and close friends. You could start showing your her how to love herself by setting boundaries in her life, and respecting them when she sets them. Empowering her to know that she has choices and that even if the choice is hard, you will be there.

A great way to also learn how to support your friend is to read more about co-dependency and the issues involved with it.

I hope that this helps, and that you found some ways to support your friend. This is not a simple dilemma, but in the long run you can have a strong and long lasting friendship.

Phire